When the page turns

I sat down and took a break from all the boxes and tape. 

I've spent weeks dreading packing. Feel so low into the ground that I could barely get off the couch. Trying to convince myself that I'm strong enough to do this. Begging and pleading. 

When I looked around. I felt the lump in my throat. I'm not going to do it. Don't do it. 

Something clicked and all of a sudden felt right. The lump faded and I took a deep breath. With every piece of material "stuff" I place in a box I'm closing a chapter. Saying goodbye to the past. 

Certain things make it into a box and certain things make their way to the trash. I don't need reminders. I have my memory for that. 

I can't help but smile tonight. It's so exciting to be starting a whole new life. Wondering what lyes around the corner. The daydreams of the future. 

Here's to healing. Here's to growing. Here's to being a better me than I was yesterday. Here's to new beginnings. 

I'm ready for whatever you have in store for me life. <3

Alone vs. Lonely

I want to embrace this moment... For all its worth, this moment of painstaking, gut wrenching loneliness. Feeling lonely is an emotion I have never really felt before in my life. I have always been blessed with close friends that I have known for years. Ones that are always there to pick me up when I fall. Ones I fight with and love with, ones that I haven't spoken with in years and we can pick back up right where we left off. That is what reminds me that I am not alone. 

Being alone... And being lonely are two separates. Yes they can overlap. But I know I am not alone. 

Being lonely... However, is the gut wrenching feeling I am talking about. Maybe it's the move to Asheville. Not having those really close best friends in person at your house....making you forget about all your troubles. That is where the lonely comes in. 

Anyway, back to the moment I want to embrace. As I'm sitting here, in the silence, using my 45lb fur baby as a pillow. I started to listen to her heartbeat. It was calm and relaxing. It was refreshing to lay here and embrace the subtle beating of another heart. 

I started to remember what it was like to have a human to cuddle with... And that's when I started to feel lonely. Don't get me wrong... My dogs save my life everyday. I can't imagine what loneliness would feel like without them. It's already suffocating. 

Just to be in the presence of someone else. Watching tv. Cooking dinner together, Cuddling. Just being fucking simple. 

I can handle alone. And I am doing my best to learn how to embrace and cherish this time of loneliness. Every emotion you feel, good or bad, should be embraced. It's how you channel those emotions that shape who you are as a person. But believe me when I tell you, it's not easy to do at all. It's painful, its awful, and it's nauseating at times... But you have to remember that it is building character. It is building your strength and leading you to your next fate. 

When I run out of nice.

I've been thinking a lot about my own happiness and my own well being. The things that I need in life to be okay. 

Honestly I have never questioned my own happiness. I am well aware of all the beautiful traits I have to offer myself and anyone else. A good job. A roof over my head. Two adorable babies that pick me up anytime I'm feeling down. I love with all of me and to the greatest extent that I am capable of. I care about other people's feelings. I love watching others grow into better people. I love to laugh and smile and see the world as a beautiful place. 

What disappoints me about myself is the fact that I let myself stay on this emotional roller coaster. For what? Just to feel the pain day in and day out? I'm stronger than this bullshit I am being put through. I'm smarter than being strung along like my feelings and my love is a quality you think you can just play with. I'm coming up to my breaking point. The point where there is no fucking returning. I'm better than this situation my life is in.

Cancer tried to knock me down off my pedestal... If I didn't let that happen... I certainly am not going to let you knock me off my pedestal. I don't care how high I put myself in this world... Someone will be strong enough to handle me. 

The pearl that lost its shine

Everything about life is so different. Everything I thought I knew and understood about love has changed. I've spent years believing with all of my heart that I had found the one true pearl that this life had to offer me. 

I always believed that all of the tough times and trials in life was all for the sacrifice of having true love. All the trials of my past were worth going through because I had all that I ever needed. 

Now this next trial has been thrown at me.. Leaving me completely alone and confused about everything I had truly believed I had already figured out. 

I don't know what my future holds, or where I need to begin this next chapter. All I know is I still hold this pearl in my hand. A pearl with no glow, no spark, and no energy left inside of it. It just sits in my hand limp and lifeless. 

I've never felt so much space and distance between two hearts. It's almost suffocating it's so thick. To think that two people who could once talk for hours on end, and have fun no matter what the occasion... Are now on the brink of not even knowing each other. 

Not only do you lose a love but you also lose that best friend that was the happiest part of you. 

None of this is easy... And no one has the answers to these complicated questions. The answers that we do know are options that no one wants to take. At some point in time one heart is going to have to make the next move. There is no longer any "n'sync" in this. It's come down to pure survival of ones sanity. 

When all you want to do is bounce...

I learned at a very young age that life was always going to be full of really hard times... And a lot of pain. I thank all my lucky stars that I had such positive influences present in my life. Without a certain group of people I would have never been able to see the amazing sunshine in the world. These influences gave me the power to learn that there was better things in the world that outweighed the horrible things I endured as a child. It was those "things" that first brought the concept of "armor" into my life. I had to protect myself at all costs. Most of my adult life I have been wearing armor made of steel. As life has progressed and I've grown into an adult I realized that armor only harms you as well. Your so afraid of all the things the "could" happen that you never fully allow anyone in. This is where I realize the mistake I have been making most of my life. 

I had to change the armor. My old armor was holding me back too much. I have decided that the only type of armor I need is made of rubber. Rubber is a material that is still very strong but has the ability to move, and even break or tear. Rubber is also "fixable." All you need is a strong enough patch to mend the imperfection. My rubber may be strong from all that I have endured but my rubber is still vulnerable. The only way to give love and to receive love is by vulnerability. You just have to find comfort that your armor is strong. Through each storm that comes along... You can always repair your armor. 

I've spent my days covering my body in rubber... That way when I do get knocked down, or thrown against the walls... I will always have the ability to bounce back up. 

This is how you learn to love, learn to live, and learn to let people in. Your still safe because you always know you can mend your armor, and still bounce back. 

I can only be a better me than yesterday

I'm strong... But I have weak moments.

I'm beautiful... And a little insecure.

I don't 'need' you... I 'want' you.

I'm outspoken... Yet shy.

I'm independent... But I don't want to be alone.

I will tell you one thing.. Just to see what decision you make on your own.

I'm a lover... And a bigger fighter.

I'm stubborn... But I will compromise.

I'm wise... Yet naive.

I'm passionate... But at times frigid.

I will forgive... But never forget.

I am proud... Yet humble. 

I'm complicated... Yet straightforward.

I don't want to be heard... I want to be understood.

I am me. I'm not perfect. But I am worth something. <3

My top 10 life lessons: Love, Life, and Committed Relationships.

1. To experience true love is always beautiful. - There is nothing in the world that compares connecting with another human being, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

2. If you don't communicate you will never get anywhere.

3. Compromise - There is nothing more rewarding than knowing the happiness of the one you love is essential to your own happiness.

4. Love can be a rough road at times. There are going to be trials... The best way to handle the situation is to take a step back... Breath... And re-focus.

5. Anti-depressants - worst idea ever for me. I'm finally on my last day of getting off of them and I already feel like my head is a bit clearer.

6. If you don't love yourself how can you expect other people to love you. - as my therapist says... "Be kind to yourself" - your human, we all make mistakes, we all learn as we go. Always love yourself first.

7. Forgiveness is the key. - Forgive yourself for your mistakes. You can't take them back. You can only learn from them and grow from them. Just the same, forgive others for their mistakes.

8. Holding a grudge will do nothing but cause more pain, hurt, and suffering. Let. That. Shit. Go.

9. Chances are if you feel lonely in life (or in love) the first place you need to look is within yourself.

10. Life tests are temporary. You don't get to pick the hand your given. But you do get to play the cards you have.